Best Reasons Why You Should Totally Have Sex with a German guy

Here’s the arrangement: I am a straight, wedded, American expat from Portland, Oregon, now living in Hannover, Germany. My wife is a burning hot German lady with two graduate degrees and a grin so dazzling it could stop your heart. I did my time as a single guy before I was hitched. I’m over it. This is the reason, years after the fact, single life and the one-night stands which oblige it are about as intriguing to me as white hot birdshit.

I have truly no inspiration to give out dating exhortation, particularly when it may offer youthful German men some assistance with getting somewhat additional nectar on their stingers. The thing is, as a remote blogger in an odd area, I am constrained to mention objective facts about the things I see around me. I additionally attempt to be as fair as could be expected under the circumstances with my perusers, so this is the reason all you straight ladies, gay men, androgynous and bi-inquisitive people are going to find the main five reasons why you ought to absolutely, completely, 100%, drop whatever you are doing well now and pork a German fella:

#1: German Dudes Are Sexy

“Any other person need to punch this person right in the heart?” — Image Credit: Hotlanta Voyeur ( — Subject to CC 2.0 License. Gently photoshopped.

You know how the cliché American traveler is a fat grease with white tennis shoes and a mean instance of sort 2 diabetes? Youthful German folks are the careful inverse; they’re style-cognizant, meager and amazingly tall. Tune in, I’m 5’10” tall when I’m wearing thick soled shoes, standing up flawlessly straight and absolutely deceiving myself. In any case, the fellows here in Germany? They are, as my wife would put it, “beacon tall.”

Clearly there are exemptions — I’ve seen a couple short folks here as well — yet the majority of them are similar to the Ents from the Lord of the Rings; lengthened tree individuals, all thin as hellfire with arms and legs akimbo. Furthermore, if this is the minute when you choose to be a brilliant ass and google the normal stature in the middle of Germans and Americans just to discover the distinction tiny, you can take those insights and pack them: Here in northern Germany, fellows between the ages of 16 and 35 are tall as fuck. I see them each and every day, and their hereditary favorable luck irritates me.

One day, in a social setting, I asked a therapeutic understudy here in Germany for what good reason the folks appeared to be so tall. He didn’t think his comrades were any taller than mine, however proposed if there were a distinction, it most likely had something to do with eating regimen. My cunning hypothesis, in any case, was that German winters commonly last more than those in the States, bringing about less daylight and a general insufficiency of vitamin D. I went ahead to clarify, brew close by, how this would legitimately require the human body to adjust keeping in mind the end goal to expand surface territory, bringing about a thin masses better prepared to assimilate daylight. (Obviously, as per my hypothesis, Inuit individuals living in the Arctic ought to be sufficiently tall to touch the goddamn sun, however hey, I was tanked at the time.)

Presently, I have truly no clarification why German men have a tendency to be so thin. Devouring the customary German eating regimen is similar to getting down on your knees and petitioning God for a heart assault. The wealth of meat, bread and lager surely hasn’t made me any sexier, so what the heck man? Possibly it’s simply parcel control. Possibly it’s more noteworthy accentuation on strolling and cycling as method for day by day transportation. All I know is youthful German fellows have a tendency to have great bodies. Lean abs are all over the place, as are wide shoulders and chiseled jawlines. This is the reason, on an overall size of magnificence from 1 to 10 — with 10 being the most wonderful — I am viewed as a British “7,” an American “6,” and a German “warthog.”

You know what else German folks have going for them? Style. They wear cool attire that isn’t conspicuous or unmistakably macho, and their hair has a tendency to be stick-straight, permitting them to shape it into amazing gems. They stay in front of all the most recent crazes and patterns, so generally, their appearance is hip and crisp to the eye. (Alternately fruity as hellfire, contingent on your state of mind.) Good style is by all accounts an innate social characteristic crosswise over a large portion of western Europe, however at this moment it’s unquestionably attempting to the benefit of youthful German guys. That, or hot unicorns are peeing in the groundwater.

Anyway, as I’ve said some time recently, there are special cases to each tenet; not each youthful person you meet here will be devastatingly nice looking… yet the vast majority of them will. Christ, with all the moussed hair, stylish pants, favored stature and Olympian builds, living in Germany is similar to being caught inside one colossal boyband. So in case you’re into pretty young men, go ahead over; you’ll have a bite of flawlessly shorn scrotum before you even leave the airplane terminal.

#2: German Dudes Are Smart

Okay, look — there are numbskulls in each nation, even in Germany — however it is essential to take note of my wife and I don’t make a propensity for connecting with knuckle draggers. Rather, we incline toward Germans who have a tendency to be instructed, all around ventured out and ready to expend liquor in social circumstances without twisting up tasered silly and tossed into the back of a cop auto. We’re self-important big talkers, is what I’m stating, so please remember this as I make another clearing speculation about the young fellows of northern Germany.

As a matter of first importance, the majority of them are bilingual. They begin learning English in the third grade, and I know this since I have the unfathomable setback of living right beside an elementary school. Each morning I get the chance to hear these little geeks singing English nursery rhymes while I’m attempting to work:

Instructor: “The very small creepy crawly moved up the waterspout… ”

SCHOOL KIDS: “The diminutive insect ascended the waterspout… ”


Anyway, their dialect examines proceed with right on up through secondary school, and regardless of the possibility that they don’t seek after it any further, they’re presented to English all the time through TV, motion pictures and music. For hell’s sake, a large portion of my German companions even talk a restricted measure of some extra and absolutely superfluous dialect, similar to French. Does this consequently make them more intelligent? Hellfire no, yet I triple-puppy challenge you to attempt and locate an inept polylinguist. Something about driving the mind to switch between dialects makes it more adaptable and element. I trust this is on the grounds that a dialect isn’t only a cluster of words; it’s an alternate state of mind. Routinely rotating the way you believe is going to make you an all the more intriguing individual, if not out and out more insightful. So when you’re getting a charge out of cushion converse with your new German significant other, not just will he have the capacity to comprehend your each word, yet he will most likely have something adroit to say right when you expel that ball choke from his mouth.

The German man you decide to lay will most likely have invested a lot of energy at college too, accomplishing both his undergrad and graduate degrees. It couldn’t be any more obvious, advanced education is of extraordinary significance in Germany, and school is for all intents and purposes free — the watchword here being essentially. My wife and I were once strolling along Georgstraße in Hannover when we discovered an enormous gathering of furious undergrads dissenting against rising educational cost expenses in Lower Saxony. This was a couple of years prior, so I can’t recollect the definite sum, yet educational cost had ascended from around €500 euros per semester to like €525 euros. I snickered so hard I peed a bit. Also, get this: Just a year or two later, Lower Saxony nullified educational cost expenses by and large. As an American, I can’t wrap my head around free or even reasonable educational cost. Obviously, I likewise can’t wrap my head around a large portion of my regularly scheduled paycheck setting off to the assessments it takes to cover said educational cost, yet at the same time, it’s a really amazing framework. It urges secondary school graduates to go take in a thing or two about the world and quit being such narcissistic little poo twisters.

By and large, Germans have a tendency to be extremely all around voyaged — particularly the more youthful eras. They’re urged to set out on school trade programs and put in a year or two at outside colleges. At that point, after they’ve come back to Germany and entered the workforce, they are frequently sent back abroad for entry level positions and extra employment preparing — particularly in the science, building and medicinal fields. I don’t think about you, however I have yet to meet a very much voyaged person who isn’t no less than a tiny bit more advanced than a disconnected one. Accordingly, German men of sexable age have a tendency to be liberal, delicate and aware of different societies. So toss a condom on that tender plane setter, since he’s presumably squashed ass from Sacramento to Singapore.